25th March 2020

Dan and I had a chat last night about what we should do about me going back to work and the risk I may put him and Jude in. Although I’ve not even started yet, I just want us to be prepared for any eventuality. Dan is a Type 1 diabetic and Jude is only three so it’s not worth the risk. Dan seemed shocked.

I think the gravity of the situation really hit him for the first time. I think he’s worried about having to be the only one responsible for Jude when the world is essentially on fire.

Selfishly I hadn’t really thought that he would be worried, he’s such an amazing dad I know they will cope fine without me.

Something I’ve worked really hard on the last 6 months is my relationship with Jude. When I first went off sick he didn’t really want to know me, he was all for his dad. I had spent so much time away from him working and studying, and I was also so stressed that the time we did spend together, I wasn’t really present. I felt like I was an awful mum, and that his anger towards me was proof of that. I cannot tell you how hard it is, when you feel so low about yourself that you are suicidal and your two year would react by screaming, kicking, hitting you because he would rather his dad get him up in the morning. It’s difficult to claw yourself out of your own self pity. The one role I was born to do, and I can’t even do that right. It’s weird thinking of that time now, it’s like a different family.

So you can understand my concerns about leaving Jude. We’ve built this beautiful relationship and I don’t want to ruin it. I don’t want him to think that I’ve left him. Or that I don’t care about him. Or that I don’t love him.

He’s so young. I don’t want to do anything that could potentially be emotionally damaging, but I don’t want to kill him and his dad either. Let’s be fair, that’s the toss up.

I think I’m going to have to try and do some research about how to minimise any emotional trauma. Not only for Jude, but for myself.

I keep thinking “it’s ok, people in the Army do this all the time.

They have to leave their families and their homes to fight for their country, surely I can do it too?” I genuinely feel like I’m going to war. There is no doubt in my mind that I am still taking my post in a couple of weeks, someone asked me the other day and it really shocked me, it had never crossed my mind to back out. For me it is a moral obligation, caring for people is more than a job for me, it’s what I was made to do. That was the irony with Jude, up until recently he didn’t think I cared for him.