I had an interesting shift yesterday- our ward closed.
The numbers of patients admitted had dropped so low, that multiple wards closed. I was redeployed. Even the terminology we use is sounds so military – but we didn’t train for this. I felt a bit bummed out to start with to be honest, I’d just started to feel like I was getting into the flow of my ward and I was cast out to whoever was desperate enough to have me. I felt a bit useless, it doesn’t seem to matter what you say the uniform says it all – if you’re in Navy then you should know your shit.
Someone was looking down on me though yesterday and one of the Doctors who strolled on the ward was an old colleague from my time in ED. I think the presence of a friendly face helped to ease my anxiety, and especially one who knew me when I was in my hey day. I do still feel a bit damaged, not quite what I was, but these obstacles are of my own making.
Fear is my greatest weakness. I have allowed it to stunt some of the most wonderful ambitions.
But I’m learning to be braver.
When I think about fear I think I’ve always been scared of something; my dad, the dark, ghosts, dogs, sharks, heights, deep water, wax work models, I could go on. Despite growing older I didn’t become less fearful – I was just scared of different things. I think the most crippling was worrying about Jude being scared of me, as I was with my Dad. I was desperate to not repeat the same mistakes.
Fear, breeds fear, and what a pointless cycle to be part of.
No thanks.
This has leaked into my everyday life and I have no time for anyone who uses that tactic as a means to their ends. What is unfortunate is that fear and hierarchy are the established tools of many senior NHS staff - who often have a chip on their shoulder which they remove only to batter everyone else round the head with. It is unnecessary and leads to an inefficient and unhappy workforce.
So I am big lover of the underdog, and have no care for arrogance. You can be confident and successful without being intimidating, unfortunately that’s a skill that many struggle to master.
I firmly believe that empowerment is one of the key ingredients to a happy and high achieving workforce. Without the confidence, support and respect of your colleagues and employer, the boundaries would never be pushed. The NHS, just like humanity, is ever evolving. Without innovators we won’t survive. What many seem to forget is that as one person alone you can achieve very little, when we work together we can literally change the world. Look at climate change since the COVID lockdowns – the impact of our combined efforts has inadvertently altered the impact of global warming. Unfortunately we had to be forced into it, but on the whole we have worked together to implement it.
What has been amazingly refreshing is the attitudes of all staff that I have experienced so far in my new trust - which mirror that of my own. They have empowered me to take on new challenges and supported me in my campaign to improve mental health support for the NHS workforce. They seriously are the most lovely team, I’m so lucky to have landed there. There is very little bullshit – everyone is pretty honest and is happy to share their life with everyone.
What I’ve never understood is the necessity to prove ones worth through assertion of power or the relentless listing of their CV and name dropping. It’s massively off putting and detracts from your aim – basically it makes me think you’re a bit of a twat. Now I am perhaps being a bit harsh, but there is a lot to be said for being humble. Actually being comfortable with your own success enough to not thrust it on others holds its own weight in terms of confidence, it’s only insecurity that forces us to brag. And it’s grossly unbecoming, so please stop it.
This is something I’ve experienced in all walks of life - how to navigate it is a different issue. Do you ignore it, take the high road and perform the nodding dog whilst you block out the white noise? I’m still learning on that one aswell to be honest.
For an easy life it’s easier to put up and shut up, but then nothing ever changes and no-one ever learns.
The problem is often when you try to call out this behaviour - usually the response is defensive which obscures the objective. The people I respect the most, are those who are able to listen and accept differing points of view without taking it personally.