Yesterday was my first shift of being in charge of the ward.
I was bricking it to be honest.
I had that awful tummy churning feel like you could literally poo yourself kind of vibe going on the night before – which was fun. I barely slept, I had one of those annoying nights of feeling half awake until my alarm went off at 6am. To be honest I was just glad I didn’t wake up late – these early starts have taken some getting used to. I’ve never really been an early bird – I did a lot of night shifts when I worked in A&E so it has been a bit of a shock to the system.
I’m exhausted – I remember when I worked in ED I always used to say in my head “I feel like I could sleep for a thousand years”. I’ve heard that again a few times recently.
So the shift was successful in many ways, myself and the staff survived, some of the patients sadly did not. End of life care has become an unfortunate focus in our ward, which is a new challenge for many staff. How we deal with death can make such a difference to life, it’s important we try to get it right. I feel so lucky to be working with such amazingly caring individuals who are working tirelessly to make these difficult times easier for everyone involved.
For us to restrict relatives visiting dying family members goes against the grain of all we strive to achieve in nursing. It feels unnatural – because it is.
One thing that has eased this suffering is the small acts of kindness shown by all in the community. There was a donation of iPads to the Trust which has given patients the opportunity to video call their relatives. The knitted pairs of hearts have been given out to End of Life patients and their relatives to try and give them some kind of connection to their loved ones. Not only is this emotionally and mentally supportive for them, but also for us, so thank you.
Having to cope with this on top of learning the ropes of ward life and Sistering has been tricky – thankfully the amount of patients on our ward reduced dramatically this week which took a bit of the pressure off. I don’t want to speak too soon and jinx anything but in terms of our local battle with Covid – we’ve had a positive week. My concern is that the desire to get “back to normal” will result in loosening restrictions to early or openly which could result in a devastating second wave. There is still so much to learn about this virus, it would be foolish to to risk what we’ve achieved. At the minute we still have no vaccine – meaning this virus will likely run its course throughout the population. It’s just a matter of when and how many people are suffering at once.
We do not want to become overwhelmed, it won’t be pretty – even with these Nightingales laying in waiting.
So I would urge you to keep doing whatever you’re doing, because I think it is working. In my very limited experience anyway. I’m still in a quandary as to whether I need to move out, the risk feels like it has decreased this past week, but it hasn’t disappeared. Is it stupid, or selfish to stay when Dan is more at risk? He doesn’t want me to leave, I don’t know whether it’s that he’s not concerned about the risks, or whether he perceives them to be low or whether he is just ignoring them because it’s too overwhelming. I guess I’m feeling the same. So much to do and so little time is my main issue, despite the warnings from those closest to me I steamed on anyways and now I’m struggling to juggle. I’ve perhaps poked my fingers in too many pies, but I’m so passionate about all of them it’s difficult to figure out which one, if any, could be sliced out of my life. Even writing this blog has become a guilty pleasure, another selfish hobby which takes me away from my family who are feeling the strain of my physical and mental absence.
Time. The thing everyone seems to have too much of presently, is what I seem to be so desperately lacking.