I’ve been really neglectful of my blog the past few weeks. I’ve left it so long it’s hard to know where to start. Although I haven’t posted anything publicly, I have still been writing occasionally, but I couldn’t spill the tea for fear of being struck off.
It’s been a tough few weeks.
I literally can’t remember when I last had a full day off. I’m sat here trying to think when it was, I have no idea. I think this week alone I’ve probably worked at least 70 hours. And I only really have myself to blame for taking too much on.
But I love that I’m doing more than Nursing. I think I felt a bit like I’d lost my identity before, although I’m ridiculously busy, I’m content.
Sitting Rooms of Culture is doing amazingly well, we’ve got weekly artists workshops being released, regular zooming in sessions in local creatives and a joint project with Escape Arts. This project with Escape called “ONE” has been intensely challenging in such a short time frame but I have learned so much. As hard as it’s been, when I look back at where we started a couple of months ago it’s pretty incredible, for me personally this has been life changing.
I think I’ve mentioned before that in the past I’ve perhaps given up on ideas prematurely, I would talk myself out of things, come up with a million reasons why it wouldn’t work. I was determined to persevere with this, and it has been so rewarding.
I’m excited about the ONE project, we’re producing and distributing thousands of creative pamphlets to go out to the most isolated in the community. The design is almost finished, can’t wait to see it in print. I’ve really loved exploring graphic design the past few months, I’ve also had a dabble at video editing which has been fun, there’s so many apps now to help you do all this kind of stuff. The frustrating thing is lack of time, there’s so much I’d love to do, but not enough hours in the day.
I’m still obviously working on the wards, which on its own has been overwhelmingly stressful the past few weeks. I had an absolute meltdown the other week and had to leave the ward. I wasn’t sure if I would go back.
There are aspects of my new role I really enjoy, I love the staff in my team and it’s nice to be in a position where I can be more supportive and have more bearing on their experience. What is frustrating is that important decisions are still completely out of my control, which is what I realised with no uncertainty a couple of weeks ago.
I can’t explain the details of the exchange in depth but I will try and give you an idea of the situation and why I struggled with it.
I started this role as Sister during the COVID crisis, as you can imagine in those 2 months regulations on various aspects of our job have been changing like the wind. For me, being new to this, I have been anxious to ensure I’m keeping the patients and staff I am responsible for safe.
This particular day one of these regulations changed part way through a shift, and it wasn’t cascaded down to us minions. Unfortunately for the Management, Mind Reading isn’t part of our mandatory training, so I dared to question what was going on.
The Manager I spoke to wasn’t really up for a discussion and when I offered alternatives I deemed less risky than the new policy, I was basically laughed at and told this decision was above me.
So no right to reply, just do what you’re told.
I felt so powerless.
How can I be held responsible for these patients care, yet have no input in these decisions that have such a massive impact?
We are taught to question, to be an advocate for our patients, to challenge practices we deem unsafe. In a court of law, if there had been negative consequences and they asked me to testify as to why I implemented those policies, what would I say?
“Oh this random manager told me on the phone it was a corporate decision, so I just did it”.
I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on, I would be seen as negligent.
What I should have done rather than burst into tears and walk out, was go calm down, and speak to my manager. After this all happened I spoke to my line manager and the manager above, who completely understood my concerns. There had been so much going on before that phone call which meant I was completely overwhelmed, but I should have reached out rather than walk out. I need to mention there was another Sister on the ward, I didn’t leave them completely in the shit, but it still was super unprofessional.
The issue again is politics.
If there wasn’t all this bullshit it would make the job so bloody lovely. I’m rapidly getting tired of feeling like the hospital are playing this weird game of Tetris with patients and staff, we are just numbers on a spreadsheet to be moved around how they see fit. With the lack of communication it’s difficult to understand the rationale behind it all.
But who are we to question?
The most disappointing thing is that the same mistakes keep on repeating. I think the overwhelming lesson I’ve learned is as an old colleague put it rather succinctly the other day –
“You can’t change the world Kirsty”
But I don’t think I’m quite ready to give up yet.
I might not change the world, but maybe I’ll be able to affect my micro climate?
Surely it’s worth a go?